So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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