I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
