college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
