I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
