need another drink. this is the easiest way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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