The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
