She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize