I think I am morally bankrupt
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
