so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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