he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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