When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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