Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
