I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
