Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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