Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
