please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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