The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize