U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
