dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
