the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
