im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
