I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
