I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
