my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
