Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
