I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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