Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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