I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
