Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
