I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
