i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
