Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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