Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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