My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
