Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
