put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
