I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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