The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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