every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
