true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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