I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We need to get me chipped asap
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