Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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