I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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