oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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