I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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