Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
