I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
