I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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