i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Vodka?
Forever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
