So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
