Sorry, I don't speak sober.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
