someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
