it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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