i used baking grease as lip gloss
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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