She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
