Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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