Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
