Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
