i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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