At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
