Four minutes until I can fart!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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