Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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