she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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