I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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