So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
