seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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