2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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